🪙 Logically Impossible Bitcoin Bonanza? Treasury Giants Reboot! 🎉

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After several indescribably slow months where Metaplanet Inc. (a Japanese Bitcoin treasury company with a portfolio larger than the combined OCD fears of the world) finally decided to offload the boredom, it engaged in a frenzied bamboozle of BTC acquisition. Completing its 2025 quarterly accumulation cycle just a smidgen shy of New Year’s Eve, they snapped up BTC at prices that had the stock exchange brokers buying used cars for goats. 🐐

Metaplanet Tidies Up Year With So Much Bitcoin

Once again, we find Bitcoin looking attractive, as if it were on a boldly bold budget sale when Metaplanet decided to seize the moment. Completing another extravagant round of BTC burble-buying on a market that had a slight case of the sniffles and prices resting below a cool $100k, they beefed up their already fattening holdings. Heck, it’s like they’ve taken their crypto-cooking lesson so seriously.

On December 30, after finagling themselves an espresso shot the size of a small moon, Metaplanet released a report. It detailed their latest Bitcoin buy, sprinkled with some accumulated acquisition strategy mumbo jumbo. They revealed their total hoard, an aggregate cost basis that could finance an entire civilization of corgis, and an average BTC price that would make economists weep. During the Fourth Quarter (Q4) of 2025, they just couldn’t stop and acquired 4,279 BTC at an average ¥16,325,148 per units. The spending spree totaled a cool ¥69.855 billion. A number so large, it’d take an oath of silence from a thousand monks to fit in a tweet. 😂

Following this monumental buy, Metaplanet’s BTC hoard ballooned to a gargantuan 35,102 BTC. Their cumulative BTC investment climaxed at a yawning ¥559.727 billion, with an average price per Bitcoin hovering at ¥15,945,691. They mumbled something about ongoing operations and strategic buying through BTC options that may or may not involve space goats. 

From the perspective of the dearly departed dollar, Metaplanet emerged from Q4 with a hefty addition to their BTC treasury at approximately $451.06 million per average price of about $105,412 per Bitcoin. By December 30, their total Bitcoin stashes had acquired them approximately $3.78 billion. Evidence suggests that if you’ve got time, money’s not a problem. 

The CEO of Metaplanet, Simon Gerovich (who has probably developed a new interest in mesas), brought the good news to X with wild gesticulations-reporting a BTC yield of 568.2% for the Year-to-Date (YTD) 2025. An exemplary example of daring do for those who had squandered the previous year’s amusements.

Metaplanet Delivers 2025 Yield Report: Astonishingly Shaky

The report revealed an almost comical array of Yields: 309.8% from October to December 2024, a healthy 95.6% from January to March 2025, a rollicking 129.4% from April to June, slowing down to 33% to end the third quarter, before finally slouching to a 11.9% yield from October to December 2025. It should come as no shock that rumour had it involving numbers not rising mightily, they were just punching upwards from the recording keyboard floor.

The good folks at Metaplanet explained that BTC Yield measures the percentage change in Total Bitcoin Holdings against fully Diluted Shares Outstanding-a phrase that always reminds them of a magic trick they can’t quite recall. They also revealed that their BTC Gain, much like a hot summer evening in Mars, was calculated using BTC Yield on Total Bitcoin Holdings at each period’s start. Scientifically methodical as an alien device that doesn’t blink. 

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2026-01-01 17:50